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Post by plin0627 on Dec 4, 2015 8:29:56 GMT
 The pie charts illustrate the energy use (heating, water heating, refrigeration, other appliances, lighting and cooling) of houses in Australia as well as the greenhouse gas emissions that generate by these usage. Units are measured in %. Overall, heating spends the most energy in house and followed by water heating as well as other appliances. Nevertheless, refrigeration, lighting and cooling use less energy amongst all. Though heating consumes the most energy, its greenhouse gas emission is lower in comparing with all of others. In terms of energy use, the Australian families spend 42% and 30% on both heating and water heating respectively while other appliances use double the lower than water heating, which is 15% only. Despite, Australians use less than 10% on refrigeration, lighting and cooling (with 7%, 4% and 2% accordingly) at homes. The usage of energy in Australia homes have causes greenhouse gas emissions. While heating uses most energy, it generates only 15% of greenhouse gas whereas other appliances and refrigeration produce almost a double in comparing with its usage, at 15% and 14% separately. Instead, both lighting and cooling emit only 8% as well as 3% of greenhouse gas although both witness higher figures compared with energy use. (202 words) |
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Post by Admin on Dec 4, 2015 17:58:54 GMT
Hi Plin Your introduction is fine. Your second paragraph is an overview and although some teachers suggest putting that first, I think it would be better at the end. Examiners like to see 'progression', so if you start with the details and then sum up with an overview it shows progression. Make sure that you write what you mean. With Task 1, you need to keep it simple. You have some issues with word choice and expression, so you need to work on that to get above 6.0.  1. generated 2. You could say ‘generated by such usage’ or ‘this usage’. 3. A unit is measurement would be kwh, or kg, or mm. Since this is a breakdown of energy use and emissions, you could add the idea into your introductory sentence. For example The pie charts illustrate the percentage of energy use for heating, water heating, refrigeration, other appliances, lighting and cooling of houses in Australia as well as the greenhouse gas emissions generated by such usage. 4. We don’t tend to say that something ‘spends’ energy; rather, you could say ‘consumes’ or ‘uses’. 5. You can say ‘in a typical house’ or ‘in homes’ or ‘in Australian households’. 6. Delete. Put a comma after ‘house’. 7. Delete. 8. Since we’re comparing one amongst many, you need a superlative: ‘the least energy of all.’ 9. emissions 10. If we’re comparing it to ‘all others’ then you would need a superlative, but since it isn’t the lowest, you would need to say ‘its greenhouse emissions are relatively low’. 11. Delete 12. half that of 13. ‘15%.’ or ‘only 15%.’ 14. Delete 15. at 16. Delete or use ‘respectively’. 17. Delete 18. Just say ‘use’. 19. Delete 20. emissions 21. Delete 22. This is confusing. The focus of the sentence has become the emissions, so when you say almost double, you need to refer to the 28% and 32% on the second chart. 23. Delete 24. and 25. emissions 26. Delete www.ieltsexchange.com |
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Post by plin0627 on Dec 6, 2015 10:01:44 GMT
Thanks Admin for assessing my essay and provided the valuable feedback!
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