essay evaluation needed

Hi Plin

Lots of good ideas in your essay and you state your position at the start, although you could add some examples to support your statements. In terms of Task Response and Cohesion, it's fine, but you need to work on lexis and syntax to raise your band score above 6.0.




1. Because you are speaking generally, you don’t need ‘the’. We tend to use ‘the’ for ‘the poor’ or ‘the youth of today’ or ‘the young’. Also, since ‘children’s’ is a plural possessive, you need to say ‘years’.
2. Delete
3. Since you are disagreeing with the statement, you could start this sentence with ‘However’.
4. Delete. You can say ‘the young’ but not ‘the young ones’.
5. a lesson
6. This is a zero conditional, so use present simple; ‘make’.
7. Delete
8. The children ‘avoid’ but the parents ‘prevent’.
9. You can say ‘think in a moral way’ or ‘think morally’.
10. Word order. Because you start with ‘thus’ and give an example, keep ‘such as’ together, so say ‘light punishment such as scolding’.
11. Word form. You need a verb form here (to infinitive) so you could say ‘to distinguish’ or ‘to make a distinction’
12. ‘In other words’: this is a fixed phrase in English which you can’t change.
13. SVA: You can say ‘Such situations lead to...’ or ‘Such situations can lead to’ or ‘Such situations can lead to’ (you can’t use V1+s with a model) or you can say ‘Such a situation leads to’ and delete ‘can’.
14. Spelling – miscommunication.
15. Delete
16. Delete
17. Word choice. ‘Negotiate’ suggests give and take on both sides, but since parents and teacher teach children, then maybe ‘discuss with’ or ‘instruct’
18. Word choice. ‘understanding of’ or ‘understanding about’.
19. Delete
20. Word choice. After a preposition (through) you need a noun form, so you could say ‘imitation’.
21. You can say ‘To sum up’ or ‘In conclusion’ or ‘In short’, but not ‘in sum’.
22. Verb confusion: ‘would affect’ or ‘affects’.
23. Word form: development. When we talk about stages in normal growth, we don’t make this plural. If we mean new stages, ideas, buildings, then we can.
24. Parallel structure. Because you start the sentence with modal + verb (should understand) you need to repeat the same pattern within the same sentence, although the second time round we drop the modal. For example: In full - ‘Parents should understand how punishment affects children and should find a better solution.’ However in practice, we’d write; ‘Parents should understand how punishment affects children and find a better solution.’


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You're welcome! You have great ideas - the rest we can fix!

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Hi Plin

Your structure is fine.
For agree/disagree essays
If you AGREE - you can write the whole essay on the agree side.
If you DISAGREE - you can write the whole essay on the agree side.
If you AGREE SOMEWHAT and DISAGREE SOMEWHAT, you would write a paragraph on each. Usually the side you agree with most is the one just before the conclusion. ie, introduction, the side you agree with least, then the side you agree with most, then the conclusion.
If the essay asks you to discuss BOTH sides, then you would start with an introduction stating which side you prefer, then the side you don't agree with, then the side you agree with, then the conclusion restating your position.

I hope that helps!
Teacher Nikki

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